Smells like Teen Spirit: Birthday Blog for the Big 4.0

You're in it! So power through. That's what the instructor often says in the middle of my current workout program. You're already in it. The hardest part, getting there, is done. So just keep going. I sort of feel that way in my life right now. I've been anticipating this birthday with mild trepidation for what seems like forever. There were so many things attached to it in my brain. I kept saying, I have until "this age" to do "this thing" like it was some sort of doomsday prophecy. And now suddenly I'm in it. And there's nothing to do but reflect, be grateful, and keep on keeping on. 

And what better time to reflect!

Where's the Teenager?

One of my favourite things to do is to have dinner at my friends Andrew and Sarah's house. While their company is obviously one of the draws, the best part about it is that their son Jordan thinks I'm a teenager. Hearing this is like the fountain of youth. He'll whisper in my ear with excitement "Are you a teenager?" and I can hear him ask his mother in the other room "Can I go see the Teenager?" Now I'm not sure if Andrew and Sarah have coached this kiddo to make me feel amazing when I come over, but it sure does make me feel young and free. When I asked my friend why he likely thought that, she said that I have a youthful energy about me. And that made me feel even better.

You see age really is just a number, well mostly (in dating age can certainly be an issue, this I've found out the hard way). But in terms of how we live our lives, how old we feel, etc., you really are as young as you feel. And there are actually studies to prove it (see right).

So you can cheat time by living young. Sign me up! I think a re-design of retirement communities is in order. And what have I learned from another year around the sun? Well...

Some things get easier: You don't worry as much about what others think. You say no to more things without feeling immense guilt. You understand what you deserve in the way you are treated (even though you sometimes accept way less than that). You have lots of empathy (because you've been through a lot at this point yo). You lean on your friends more, you lean on yourself more and you understand better when and where to ask for help. And you're way more okay with being still (though I still struggle with this most days). 

And a lot of things remain hard: I am certainly not where I thought I would be. I keep waiting for the year when all the big things fall into place. I see it happen to others and wonder when it's my turn. Trying to keep the "universe has my back" mentality strong. But of course, I see others who "got all those things" start to lose them and I realize that it's hard when you have it, and hard when you don't. 

We all edit our lives so much for the world, curating a smiling, happy, beautiful existence, that we sometimes forget that we're all in this together. Love hurts. Patterns feel near impossible to break. While your body gets stronger if you work at it, things do gradually fall apart. Aging and expectations for those ages are so deeply ingrained in our society and our psyche that it's hard sometimes to really know what you want vs. what you think you want. And still, despite all of these years of being an adult behind you, what you want still seems to change on the daily. 

I'm finding this particular birthday a bit tough to swallow. I had a lot of things built up in my head about what this age meant. It made me want to settle for less. Made me wonder why I'd let go of, in retrospect, pretty good things. Made me want to throw in the towel on some of my loftier dreams and just be cool with the status quo. 

Whenever I get all mopey or frustrated about this, I try to focus on the gratitude practice so popular these days. Every morning and every night, reflect on things you are grateful for, and your whole perspective on life will shift exponentially. Some days I'm a bit cheeky about it or wake up finding it hard to find the good, but the truth is if we are even living here in North America we are for the most part luckier than the majority of the world. Clean water, food, shelter...these basic elements we take for granted are not guaranteed as a human on this earth. How can you not feel immensely grateful when you think of this. It helps me get my act together and get through life's rough patches and out of my own self-important head. And also, consistently focusing on what's not right distracts us from focusing on all that is good. 

Reverse Bucket Lists

 

I read this cool article recently on reverse bucket lists, which follows a similar practice of being grateful. Instead of making a list of things you still want to do, sit back and take stock of the great things you've already been lucky enough to do in life. Sometimes I look at this little picture of myself at 7, and I feel a bit sad for the things I haven't given that little girl that she dreamt of. But based on this reverse bucket list, I consider thinking of saying instead to that little girl:

Hey kiddo...sorry a lot of those daydreams didn’t turn out as planned. But guess what? You are going to end up fulfilling some dreams you never even knew you had. Now you didn't marry Eddie Furlong, and that's okay (I mean in retrospect that would have been a disaster).

But you know that big park in New York you visited at 7? Well in close to 30 years, you’re going to be singing on a stage across the street at friggin Carnegie Hall (?!?!) in front of a sold-out crowd: clapping, singing, and crying with joy. You’re going to run the entire bloody city in a marathon where kids are gonna high-five you like you’re something special. And it’s going to become a memory that is so good that you can’t even put it into words because they all feel grossly inadequate. 

You know that silly but awesome millionaire song you like by the weirdly (to you at the time) named Barenaked Ladies? Well, one day you're going to be singing in a choir, and that choir will sing back up on most of those songs for Steven Page (the former lead singer) at the Danforth Music Hall. You couldn't plan this stuff.

You know how you feel all cool because you like California rolls at the mall? Well, guess what? You're going to live in Japan for a year and it's going to be the best year of your life. And you'll get to eat sushi whenever the hell you want to...off of a conveyor belt! 

And you know all that stress and angst around friendships and boyfriends. You’re going to have great loves that span oceans. You’re going to be friends with some of the best people that feel like family.

Yeah, you're going to be hurt. You're going to hurt others. You won't exactly end up at the top. And you might be alone more than you like. But you have so much to be grateful for. Anyway, a bit cheesy, but as I’ve said before, It’s all about the perspective, and not always getting stuck on the negative side of the story.

Mid Year Check-In

I of course have all of my new year's goals that I feel pressure to fulfill with each passing day (I'm Type A to the max). I normally do check-in at this point, but I'll leave that for the journals. What I'll say for now is that I want this year to be filled with more peace and calm, more contentment with where I'm at, fewer plans and more pauses, to make more room for what's right for me, and have more gratitude for the things this life has blessed me with. And of course, always find room for a bit of sparkle. 

And I'll continue to ask these questions:

What feels good throughout the day? When do I feel energized? Where do I lose myself? Where am I out of my head and not craving things? Is this making me happy? Am I being productive?  Am I helping others? Who is my Sasha fierce? What is it that really matters here?

So here's to the next decade. Of living the life I imagined, creating myself, and being the leading lady of my own life with lots of gumption (my fave motivational quotes lol).

A few more gems of quotes to leave you with:

"And when you get to the end of your life, it no longer matters whether you were once president of something (a company, a country), or whether you were on the New York Times bestseller list for fifty weeks or the recipient of a Nobel Prize. All that will matter is whether you flowered here in earth school. Whether you brought yourself to your relationships with kindness or with receptivity. Whether you shut your heart or opened it, even in the face of rejection. Whether you know who and what you are beyond the thoughts that come and go, beyond the achievement that our gotta-get-more culture worships."  - Geneen Roth

 "When a friend told me recently that he hates birthdays, I looked at him and said through tears 'celebrate your birthday goddamit. You are lucky to have each one.'" - Sheryl Sandberg

Keep on keeping on!