Everybody Needs a Little Time Away

I think we can all agree with the wiser-than-his-years character Ferris Bueller when he famously states that: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once and a while, you could miss it. 

Brain on Fire

My brain is on fire all of the time. My schedule is filled beyond what is comfortable for me and I feel overwhelmed by making all of the decisions in my life about things I often know very little about. I know a lot of people would say "you’re so lucky...you get to make all the decisions." And yes that's true. But the reality, the scientific reality, is that decision fatigue is a real thing. And we all make something like 300 decisions on average a day.

Add to that the day job that isn’t really my joy, my feeble attempts at a side hustle of writing, and the constant dates that are like a hundred little interviews spread throughout the year...and the brain can get a bit tired. I think this is the case for most people in our crazy fast and intense society. The social media monster creates endless opportunities to compare to the Joneses, the constant inflammatory news feeds heighten anxiety, and our own and societal expectations to do more, be more, and have more is exhausting.

And I have some big decisions to make. So I needed to get away from all of the inputs. The media, other people's opinions and the expectations that come from the society that we live in. Meditation sometimes helps with attempting to quiet all the chatter and tune into my own inner compass. But it doesn’t always work as we get lost in our stories. Getting back to ourselves is sometimes the hardest thing.

Silent Retreat Repeat

With that in mind, I decided I needed another visit to the 3-day silent retreat on Lake Simcoe that I did and loved last year. It's beautiful, the food is hearty and it's close by and affordable. It starts off with a meeting with all participants before heading into silence. It was suggested that for these three days, it would be helpful to allow yourself to do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted. To not get trapped in all of the "shoulds." "I should go for a walk. I should do the meditations they suggest. I should take advantage of the library, or the nearby forest or the different rooms." And on and on.

You could instead just allow your spirit the freedom to do what it felt compelled to do. This spoke directly to me. On most vacations, I have daily lists of shoulds that are longer than some of my workday TO DO lists. I mean some "shoulds" are necessary in life (the man of my dreams probably won't fall into my lap while watching Netflix and eating pizza), but a good number of them we "should" on ourselves.

So my goal on this retreat became to do what I actually wanted to do, not what I felt I should do. And to make whatever that was ok. No shame. No apology. No judgement. To actually listen, for once, to my gut and to do what it was telling me that I needed or wanted.

I also brought next to nothing but the basics, a major feat for me (what if I forgot something???). I really wanted to take away all elements of choice during those three days. All of those daily decisions of what to wear, what to do, what to read. I normally bring six different options for reading, and this time I just brought two. Normally I have a million exercises I want to journal about, and this time I just brought the journal with no real agenda. And I for once did not bring my writing! This doesn't mean that I didn't create pages of random notes, but I didn't bring the book to edit and actually allowed my brain to rest on that one.

Ultimately I just wanted, for a few days, to take away the noise to listen to what’s inside.

What did my body want to do for three days? Sleep in, eat breakfast, walk in an empty forest blanketed in a fresh coat of sparkling snow, sit by the water and breathe deeply, read by the fire, eat lunch, do a little bit of meditation, nap, read by the fire, eat dinner, walk under the stars and try to catch a shooting one, read in the bath, off to an early bed. Repeat. Bliss. I could do this for a year I think to make up for all of the busyness.

And as Ferris noted, when I stopped and looked around I noticed a lot of things that I normally wouldn't. The crunching of leaves under the freshly fallen snow. The beautiful art made by tree branches against the bright blue of a crisp sky. The throbbing sound made by the wings of the geese as they chase each other around the lake. The little squeaks of the hundreds of other birds that dance around the lake. The specific position of the sun and how it changes everything you see from one instant to the next. Even how you feel.

There are also lots of lessons from silence. It's crazy how many layers you have to weed through to get to what you're actually feeling. And it's amazing what's unearthed when your brain is allowed to just focus on key things. Some of the other reflections made in our closing meeting about what this time meant for people there included (paraphrasing):

• it gave me room for all parts of me to come to the table. Even the parts that aren't so great.
• It grounded me in myself. I felt connected to who I am.
• It reminded me of the beauty in all things.

Trust me when I tell you that the life decision I’m wrestling with is no joke. It keeps me up at night and when I'm sleeping produces some pretty epic nightmares. I knew I couldn't figure out all the answers in just a few days of silence...but I thought it could bring me just a little bit closer.

Honestly, I think I left with maybe more questions than answers. Two and a half days is definitely not enough time. You just scratch at the surface of the scabs without really getting a chance to explore the source of the wound. There is a 10-day Vipassana retreat that I'm scared to try but think it might be the only thing to let my brain truly rest. They don't allow you any writing material or books or any inputs or outputs...just meditation. I would probably run away into the woods.

How to Make a Decision 101

In any case, here are some tips I've gleaned through this experience and some recent readings from the Happiness Equation for making a decision:

1. Cut off access points and tune into your intuition - gut check (only check emails a few times a day, turn off social media, and don't set the expectation that you reply to things right away). 
2. Read and interview - but then step away and give it time to percolate while doing other things. If you're always focused on the decision, you can't see the forest through the trees. And you focus too much on the stuff, the details, and not the feeling. Not what you really want. 
3. Automate some other decisions so you can focus on the big ones. Decision fatigue is real. It's like willpower...not unlimited in its availability. Make the little decisions easy to make. 
4. Worry less and meditate more. Worrying is a waste of space...generally.

At some point, I need to make the decision. And once I do I know that things will become sweeter. All of that worry and the head space it takes up gone. There will probably be something else to worry about at that time, so really the key to life is to be okay with whatever state you're currently in.

Of course, after the retreat, everything else just pours in to fill the space and time you paused. I definitely turned the access on too quickly when I got out of it. I actually had to turn my phone back off again for a bit as it's an addictive drug. I left feeling a bit anxious to get back to my life with this big decision that I'm one day going to have to make. Maybe the answer is to stop trying so hard. To just find more ways to tune into my gut and give myself a break from the rest. But it was still a great exercise and I do feel slightly more sorted in my brain.

So take it from me. Give yourself time and permission to take some space and time to get grounded. It's important. And also, give yourself a break. You don't have to be what people want you to be. What people think you should be. You can say no and the world won't fall apart. Remove access to your brain and life. And create some space for your inner self.

* quotes from Richard Wagamese's "Embers."