New Year, Fragmented Me

It's my new year blog, written on my own adjusted timeline. Let’s just say it’s a Chinese Near Year blog, as I mentally gave myself till the end of January to get things sorted for the new year. New Year’s day filled me with such depression. I felt overwhelmed with the things I want to do and the person I want to be in all areas of my life. I didn’t do any of the things I normally do. I wanted nothing more than to lie in bed and watch something destructive like Dexter. How insane is our obsession with true crime and shows about serial killer vigilantes? There’s no way it increases our energy, mood or general outlook on life. But it’s addictive, like a spoonful of sugar. 

I was mad at myself for not learning lessons from years past. The letting go. The need for streamlining and focus. The mindfulness. The one small step, blah blah. But I had to remind myself that life is a flow and about generally moving in the direction of things improving over large swaths of time. A continual sculpting inot the most real version of ourselves, not about perfection or total re-invention. Every minute, every hour, every day, every meal, every conversation, every moment is a chance to change something, to improve. Or maybe sometimes, to just get through the moments. 

Same Me, New View

So much of this year has been exhausting but joyful. It really is incredible witnessing the growth of a person in body and spirit. Seeing language come, comprehension increase, the relationship deepen, and to view the world through their fresh no-reading-glasses-required eyes. Witnessing their personality reveal itself and the funny little quirks that develop. It’s magical (and messy, and overwhelming, and truly amazing). I am so thankful for this experience every day, in a way that almost hurts and is balanced by the opposing force of fear and anxiety. Before having Ollie, a friend said with tears in her eyes that having a child will “break your heart,” and I feel this deeply. It breaks it open, expands into the spaces, and the ache of joy and fear are so intense that I sometimes think I won't be able to manage it without some serious pharmaceuticals.

Fragmented Reality

I’ve been on a bit of a writing hiatus this year. I planned a lot, edited loads, and thought about/worried about the next steps. But the writing itself has not found property in my brain or on my computer. Everything feels fragmented. My thoughts, my time, my relationships. For years I’ve embraced this concept of letting go, but I never really let go of much. I put everything on a list, and when the list gets too long, I store it in the “I’ll get to it someday file” and start a fresh, clean, doable list that quickly becomes equally long and overwhelming and a chore to update. And the cycle persists. I mutter, “I'm going to put that on the list,” 10 times a day, and it has become my identity in a way that makes me look like a caricature of anxiety.

To that end, planning has become my ultimate form of procrastination. And with my moments of free time precious (and limited), it’s become unmanageable. “Write blog” has been on my weekly list for the last 52 weeks. And no actual blog has been produced. So my only goal today was to sit in a cafe and write something. Not update a list, or research how to publish my book or how to manage the world of ever-increasing toddler tantrums, but just to write. Even if it sucks. Success will be in the focus. Armed with a mushroom latte (what is this life???) for focus and a café buzzing with the energy of other productive people, I’ve set the stage. Maybe this small step will remind my brain that it can do one thing without distraction.

How To Cope

The overwhelm of life right now is real. And it seems like everyone I know is feeling it. The never-ending lists, combined with dull, freezing weather, a constant cycle of sickness since some time in September, some age-related deterioration in both body and mind and a completely baffling, inhumane, disheartening and frankly abhorrent situation south of the border, are a toxic combination (to add to the methane problems). I mean, who would have thought our closest neighbour and ally would suddenly threaten us with economic annexation, fear of conquest, and fear for the stability of the world at large (I mean, we all knew it would be bad. But it has become next level). It has created an exhaustion and apathy that I’m really struggling to break out of

Short of putting one foot in front of the other. Focussing on the quality time I spend with Ollie. Expending my energy on things that I can actually control. Trying to get enough exercise and sleep. Cutting things out where I can. Spending more time in nature. Focusing less on the people that don’t focus on me. Taking regular breaks from the news and the increasingly unsafe and destructilvely comparative force that is social media.

Another thing that I’ve done that became almost essential is cutting back on my alcohol intake by about 80%. I have no idea if this will stick, but a dry January made me realize that I hate feeling the lethargy, anxiety and fog that results after a night of drinking. Even one beer makes me feel like a less alive version of myself. Combined with the new research on the extent of alcohol’s links to cancer, it's become something that I want less of in my life. I always felt like alcohol created this warm and cozy globe, surrounding the chaotic bits of life and making everything sort of sparkle. But it also limits reality to a small orbit, and I want to experience things as they actually are. I want to see and feel beyond the globe. And I really enjoy some of the new sober lifestyle things creeping up. A nice glass of magnesium, tart cherry juice and sparkling water before bed has the relaxing effect of a glass of wine without the negative impacts. A couple of hours at a steam/cold plunge joint, followed by a soothing tea in their lounge is way more enjoyable to me that sitting in a bar sucking back a pint. I just need my social circle to catch up lol.

No More "Procrastiplanner"

So along with all of the other improvements I hope to make this year, this is also the year I Publish my Book. More on this later, but this is my accountability check. More on that soon!

Four Funk Busters this Month

Things that I’m loving right now that bring me out of a funk:

1. The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Pretty simple advice on how to focus on what you can control in life, but the way Mel delivers everything is so practical and inspiring. 

2. Jay Shetty Podcasts. For a quick summary of the Let Them Theory, check out this episode on Jay Shetty's podcast, On Purpose, where he interviews Mel Robbins on the deets. I've become a bit obsessed with listening to this podcast in the mornings, as it truly is energizing, positive, and practical. Really sets the day off to a nice start.

3. My new Peleton adjacent bike - I miss spinning classes and am surprised by how motivated I've been to follow the workouts provided. People make fun of Peletoners, but I can see how it's totally addictive (and at a quarter of the price to buy my bike, it was a no brainer). 

4. Toddler life - 

Okay so that’s it for today. An hour, piece of carrot cake, and a tea later and I’ve done the small thing I set out to do today. Definitely not perfection, but it feels like something in the right direction. The next right thing for me today.

A reminder to give yourself a break.


Until next time,


Carrie

May we remember to wake up and dance. Listen more. Linger longer. Make gratitude our aesthetic. Go hard on the problem and soft on the person. Pick up the phone. Get our hands dirty. Mail more letters. Buy the hat. Sing louder. Surrender to the surprises. Go slowly. Follow what makes you feel. Be amazed by it all. -Rebecca Wylie Simms