I'm Not Anti-Social, I'm Just Tired of the People (Mother Mother)

I didn't take any real vacation this year, so a few weeks back I planned a break to work on some writing. I know, exciting times. But the truth is I was less stressed that I hadn't gallivanted around the world this year, and more stressed that I never seem to find the time in any given week to work on the side projects I'm passionate about. I thought that maybe some concentrated effort would give me the momentum I needed to continue plugging away during evenings and weekends. 

So after grabbing sold-out tickets to see the Leonard Cohen tribute concert in Montreal with my dad (phenomenal), I looked for writer-friendly spots to escape to on my way back to the city to get a good chunk of dreaded editing done. In a true moment of “divine intervention,” I found exactly what I needed. It was at a retreat centre called Loretto Maryholme which has a tiny log cabin which I'd read about in some other writer blogs. Not only did they have space for me on short notice, but they also happened to be holding a silent retreat that week. I've been wanting to try one of these forever.

Silent Retreat

I’m one of those self-defined extroverted introverts (I know it’s a trendy term these days but I swear it's true). While I'm pretty a-ok in social situations, they drain my energy and I need alone time to recharge. A lot of people have recommended the Vipassana Centre for meditation, but you have to start with a 10-day retreat and I wasn't quite ready to commit to 10 days of no talking, no cell phones, no reading, no journalling...just meditating (though I've heard great things and I do think it's a worthy pursuit at some point). 

But this retreat had a different focus. It was simply 2.5 days in silence, with other people. Now being a pretty aggressive "fill the silence" person, this really appealed to me. Being around other people without feeling pressured to make small talk sounded kind of ideal. I stayed in the main building on the property which was a beautiful old house built in the late 19th century on the edge of Lake Simcoe. The views, the land, and the building were all stunning.

During the days of silence, you had the freedom to do whatever you liked. I missed the meet and greet, so walked in late while everyone had already gone about their silent ways. It was a bit odd...everyone walking around each other but never connecting. Very zombie-like. I had a bit of a hard time with it, I think I even thanked the cook after every meal so a bit of a fail on that front. But otherwise, it was such a relief: the lack of pressure to worry about what you've said or what you should say. 

I took long baths in a massive claw foot tub and read Austen, wrote by the fire, went for walks by the lake and in a meditation maze, and did some of my own meditation...all of the best things!  It's funny how, even in silence, you can get to know people. Their go-to activities, body language, and choice seats. You can even manage to get annoyed by them, as I did with one of the participants (who was quite lovely once we actually met and words were exchanged).

After the two days, we broke our silence, broke bread and went on our separate, much more relaxed, ways. 

If you want to check out some silent retreatst:
- This is where I stayed: http://www.lorettomaryholme.ca/
- Vipassana Centre: http://buddhavipassana.ca/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIpZCsl83Q1wIVE0wNCh1ukQp-EAAYASAAEgLoafD_BwE

Writing Retreat

"Books aren't written, they're rewritten. Including your own. It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after the seventh rewrite hasn't quite done it..." Michael Crichton

For the second half of my getaway, I moved to the cutest little log cabin I've ever seen. Built in 1927 as a wedding gift, beyond some basic modern conveniences, it was pretty rustic (spiders, mice, and all).

While still on the same property, it faced out onto the lake and felt completely isolated. It was exactly the kind of setting I was looking for to spread out and focus without any distractions whatsoever. No TV, a bath that didn't quite fill up (so no long soaks) and no real fire to lull me into a trance. It also turned to winter while there so I couldn't even spend hours on the deck doing yoga or watching birds or whatever else you do alone on a nice day in the country. So with that setting in mind, I got to do a full read-through of the book I'd written many moons ago. 

Cabin highlights:

• Not having to talk to anyone for three days
• Getting in an end-to-end read-through of the book
• Telling the time by watching the sun rise and set over lake Simcoe
• Witnessing the transition to winter through daily walks on the most beautiful property
• Old claw foot tub, balcony overlooking the water
• Falling asleep to the noise of waves

Cabin lowlights:

• Not getting to talk to anyone for three days
• Realizing your book is way worse than I thought. I think I repeated the same sentiment 8 times in one case. But still..it was a good exercise
• Waking up to fresh mice poop every day
• Sleeping with underwear over my eyes/nose because of nightmares of all the spiders climbing up my nose as I slept
• Enough hot water to cover about 1/4 of you in the claw foot tub and that being your only source of cleansing
• Having watched too many horror movies and making a story out of every noise
• Not being able to sleep for more than 4 hours!
• Fake fireplace- what’s the deal yo? You don’t trust me or what?! 

A note on the writing. I am not one of those writers who sit in front of a blank page and have a panic attack. I wake up in the morning with full paragraphs cramming up my head space. I can't get to a computer, notepad, or iPhone fast enough to get the words out and give myself space to think. This doesn't mean the words are good. If I was truly living a mindful life, I would let go of these half-formed dream paragraphs and if they came back at a later point, I could acknowledge that they were the good ones. The salient thoughts worth sharing with others. But no, I have no problem getting all of it, both treasured finds and garbage, out in one fell swoop. It took me a long time to write this book merely because of the ridiculous number of things I tried to put in it, not because I didn't know what to commit to paper. 

"Don't worry so much about your word count. Your word cut is more important. You have to sit there sharpening that red pencil or hitting the delete button or flinging the pages into the fire. Often, the more words you cut, the better. A good day might actually be a hundred words less than you had yesterday." - Colum McCann

But the editing is a whole other story. That is where I've wasted years just letting my draft collect digital dust in my computer hard drive. I find it next to impossible. This reading was essential because when I normally only get to read it in chunks between lattes and workdays, I have no possible way to discern flow. I was able to remove entire chapters, characters, and scenes that had no business remaining as they didn't move a single solitary thing forward. They always say that first novels are practice novels, and I really just want to get the damn thing done so I can move on. 

It's so hard, I can't get over how hard it is. How many hours are spent on work that no one is asking for. How many people are likely going through this exact same lengthy and sometimes tedious process. I want to give up every time I do a read-through, but I've committed to at least get it to the point where I can self-publish as gifts for my grandkids or my nieces/nephews. Lucky them.

"I wrote my first novel because I wanted to read it." - Toni Morrison

The thing about taking time to do some serious writing is that it gets me just excited enough to want to do it all the time. But I, of course, can't. I have to go back to my day job and it's pretty hard at the end of a long day to tap into that same energy. I'm looking for tips every day to ignite that motivation and momentum every night. So I finished the week totally excited and equally overwhelmed.

If you want to do your own writing retreat, there are so many options, but this list provides a good place to start: http://fireflycreativewriting.com/writing-get-aways-in-ontario/ 

"Writing isn't generally a lucrative source of income only a few, exceptional writers reach the income levels associated with the best-sellers. Rather, most of us write because we can make a modest living, or even supplement our day jobs, doing something about which we feel passionately. Even at the worst of times, when nothing goes right, when the prose is clumsy and the ideas feel stale, at least we're doing something that we genuinely love. There's no other reason to work this hard, except that love." - Melissa Scott

I guess the message that I have to continue to drill into my own head is to, keep on keeping on...each day a small step forward towards your goal, or even towards bettering yourself or loving your life, is a day well lived.