The Girl from Glasgow

It was 2001. I didn't have a cell phone yet so I punched in the numbers on my calling card from a payphone in the hallway of the cold, grey apartment building. I followed the prompts to finally be connected with a ring tone which would take me to the voice that I needed to hear. It was my first major stint overseas. I was on exchange in Lausanne, Switzerland and it felt, idiotically and irrationally, like I had somehow ruined my life. I can't really explain the sadness that I felt at that moment, but I can only say that I've never felt more alone. It was just after Christmas and I was holed up in this empty apartment building. And the rain was oppressive. So much rain.

Now I'm not known as someone who doesn't exaggerate the odd situation. But it felt really bad. And what I needed more than anything else in the world, was the voice at the end of the line. My Mom. Somehow her reassurance that I would be okay, I knew, would make everything okay.

My mom is celebrating a special birthday this year and I wanted to pay a quick tribute to the person who makes me feel like I am loved in this world. They say I look like my Mom. I hope so! But I hope, more importantly, that I got some of the best bits of her personality. I thought it would be fun to share some of the key life lessons that she's taught me. Short and sweet so as not to embarrass her too much ;). 

1. It's never too late

My mom came over on a boat from Glasgow when she was six years old. Her siblings, being older, married not too long after and moved to that big ol' country to the south. Right after high school she became a teacher and got married. And then she had us (far apart I should say so that standard "18 years and done" situation was more like 28 for her). Sounds like a standard order life plan, but in between all of that, a lot has happened.

For one, she got a University degree in her spare time. She would work, manage our household, and manage to hold down a school schedule at the same time. It's never too late.

She also picked up her personal passion as an adult, being a ballet dancer. Nothing was off limits. You're never too old or too "whatever excuse you can find" to do what you love. And when ballet was no longer a pastime of her own, she poured her passion into my sister's love of dancing. It's never too late.

She also didn't get a chance to travel much when she was younger, and certainly less when she had us. But the travel bug bit later in life and she continues to work in retirement in order to afford this re-invigorated passion. She travels alone for large chunks of time which most people find intimidating. A couple of years back, to celebrate a certain number of decades since coming to Canada, she even took the Queen Mary boat back to Scotland to commemorate where it all began. The voyage that connected her soul (Scotland) and her heart (Canada). It's never too late.

She's proven to me that, whatever you want to do in your life, there is a time and a place for it.

"And it's never too late to start something new, to do all these things you've been longing to do."

2. Caring for others and giving back brings meaning to life

What is the purpose of life? This is one of the most pondered existential questions I'm sure. If we're lucky enough to be in a position to ponder these things. While I still haven't figured that out entirely (will any of us ever?) I feel that the manner in which my mom lives her life is a good model of one of life's major purposes: taking care of others and building connections.

Beyond taking care of her immediate family, and going to great lengths to keep up connections with the rest of the family, she also welcomed our grandmother into our home for a number of years, when she became unable to care for herself. She devoted much of her time, in between work, taking care of an "emotional" teen (who me?) and a grade-schooler, and life's other demands. She even gave up her room, opting to live quietly in the spare room. Once my grandmother moved to a nursing home, she visited often and organized special events to make her feel loved and certainly not forgotten. I can't imagine how much stress she must have been under at the time, but she always put others' needs and problems ahead of her own.

Even in her retirement, while she continues to work, she also volunteers. First for the ballet and now for a hospital. On top of that, she does thoughtful things all of the time. She is just one of those people that makes you feel special. Even as an adult, I would sometimes get a Valentine's card and gift left at my apartment door. And when I would go home there would often be little presents in my room. 

"At the end of the day, it's not about what you have or even what you've accomplished. Its about who you've lifted up. Who you've made better. It's about what you've given back." - Denzel Washington

3. Things are going to be okay, even if they don't look like they "should"

There are some people in this world who make you feel like everything is okay. They listen and provide advice when asked. Somehow I feel in her presence like all of the mistakes I've made, all of the things that I've taken too long with...they will all be okay. I will be okay. I feel she takes on a lot of the stress of other people, having a lot of things to deal with herself, but she never shies away from providing that support and listening. With a lot of acceptance and a good dose of self-help advice provided by the many books on psychology that she reads. 

And from this, I've learned that, until it's not okay (like at the end - knock on wood) it's all going to be okay. 

"Sometimes it ends up different and it is better that way."

4.  Family is how you define it - and it's important

My mom's siblings living far away has always felt like a bit of a hole in her life. She loves family and puts in a great deal of effort to maintain those ties. I know she often wishes we had more family, closer. But to fill that gap she has cultivated a great friend network that acts as family. And she has kept us all a close family unit despite how hard it can sometimes be to rally the troops.

At this stage in my life, I certainly wish I had a family to call my own. The feeling of lack in this area really came to a head when I went through some medical stuff (nothing serious) last year. But my mom was right there by my side throughout it all. She came with me to consultations, sat with me in waiting rooms and was always at the end of the line when I needed to talk. I'm pretty sure even some of my friends who have partners don't get this kind of support, and it meant everything to me.

So your family might look different from what it "should" look like based on societal norms. It might be a truly integrated combination of friends and blood relatives, but it really is the most important thing.

"It's not what we have in life, but who we have in our life that matters. - J.M. Lawrence"

5. Keep on keeping on

Through every setback in life, my Mom always seems to come out stronger, having reflected and course corrected. Life hasn't always been easy for the girl from Glasgow, but she's faced every challenge with grace and determination. The idea of "keeping on keeping on" has always been a key theme in her life, and as a result, has permeated my own outlook. Well maybe after a good dose of orange chocolate and Swedish berries, a hot bubble bath, and some quality time with my sometimes boyfriend Netflix.

"Just do the next right thing, one thing at a time. That'll take you all the way home." - Glennon Doyle

Now if there's one piece of advice I could give to my Mom on this special birthday, it's to practice a little more self-care. Taking care of others and putting their needs ahead of your own takes its toll. The whole "airplane oxygen" mask theory...make sure your mask is on securely first and all of that. I recently attended a talk where the coach put it differently. Instead of looking at the glass analogy as half empty or half full, consider that you need to have a full glass yourself before you are free to give what flows over to other people. If you are not filling up with the things that sustain you, the whole system is at risk of falling apart. You matter. What matters to you matters. 

"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you." - Anne Lamott

Whether it's your mom, your friend, or your partner, I hope you all get to experience the loving presence of someone as fabulous as my Mom in your life. Happy Birthday, Mom! Here's to celebrating each and every one with joy and gratitude!