Writing and Running my way to Pandemic Peace of Mind

Just over six months ago I was sitting in a hospital lounge, waiting on the birth of my beautiful little niece. It was one of those magnified moments in life that are both fuzzy to remember, and interspersed with moments of pure Technicolor. 

We were in the waiting room with my sister's in-laws. We hadn't spent too much time together up to this point but were now sharing one of the biggest moments in all of our lives. I struck up a conversation with her father-in-law. He asked questions about my writing and seemed genuinely interested. Now there's no shortage of people whose eyes will glaze over when you start talking about your latest writing project, so it was warmly welcomed and took some focus away from the anxiety I was feeling at the moment.

He asked me what I wanted out of publishing the book. Whether or not it was enough to have written it, without it getting published or having anyone reading it. I had an answer that I was sure was true, that I would be fine with that. That I felt proud of what I'd written, had learned so much from the experience, and that every time I read the book, I have the same AHA moments all over again.

Writing as Therapy

His response was so insightful and has really resonated with me since. He said something along the lines of, "It sounds to me like writing is your therapy. And if you've learned from it and it's helped you, is that maybe enough?"

I've thought about this a lot since, and I love the idea. I know there are umpteen memoir writing courses and self-reflection through journaling exercises etc, but I didn't really think of it as my own version of therapy. But it most definitely is. I don't know what I'd do without it.

The world has changed so drastically since that day in the hospital. Who would have thought that months later it would be impossible for me to even hold my little niece whom I was so excited to spend loads of time with? As has been a common experience I've heard described during this period, you go from days where everything feels normal-ish and there's hope in your heart, to days when you can't think of any compelling reason to get out of bed. I wake up with plans and a massive To-Do list and finish the day only crossing off 20%. I know we all need a little help to keep our mental health in check.

There's all the recommended stuff. Exercise, not too much alcohol (ahem), sleep, good nutrition, connection somehow with friends/family (though I don't really think Zoom is doing the trick for me). But I also firmly believe, even in the best of times, that all human beings should partake in some kind of formal therapy. To understand themselves, to gain some self-perspective, to better understand how to interact in the world in a way that will benefit themselves and others, and to determine what patterns have been built over years that they can possibly amend to lead a happier life. And beyond that, there are the things that work for each of us individually. For me, it's the writing as described above. And running. 

Running Towards Peace of Mind

Running is the place where I feel the freest. The easiest route to escape whatever's bothering me. I can either lose myself in a good music track, and I swear it feels like I'm in a club dancing it out, with each pound of my foot on the ground. Sometimes you just need to pound out that anxious energy building up in your body and mind. 

Other times, music off, I just meditate on the feeling of my body, the trees around me (which have become so much more beautiful during this time), the little fairy doors that people have put at the base of trees, the beautiful signs with rainbows and thanks for healthcare workers, the Black Lives Matter signs. It's sometimes joyful, often eye-opening, or reflective. Always energizing. I also come up with some of my greatest ideas or solutions to problems on runs. I've even had to stop and buy a notebook mid-run to write down all of the info that was gathering in my head, the thoughts and solutions come so fast and furiously. 

Be Kind to Yourself

This time has been tough for everyone. It might not have been the best time for me to introduce new forms of rejection into my life with the attempts to publish my book. I think of giving up daily. On certain days I feel like my story has become easier to market. I mean there's no travel right now, so why not escape into a travel memoir? But on other days it seems totally ridiculous as there are so many important stories to be told right now. But it's written, I spent probably two year's worth of a full-time job spread over eight years writing it (and think I've created a pretty entertaining narrative arc that makes it commercially viable and lots of fun), and I feel it deserves to be polished into something that is shareable, even if I self-publish. There's nothing better than someone reaching out after they've read a blog and saying that it was "just what they needed to read" at that time in their lives. That's what I want my book to be for someone, anyone. So I keep trying. 

My secret blog is also not catching on the way I'd hoped. I don't have the time to devote to it, so I don't even know if that would help. I've sent out some articles, with no response. And all of this makes me feel like one big failure. But I need to remind myself that failure is an inevitable, valuable step on any journey. Back in January, I read "You are awesome" by Neil Pasricha. He talks about how his first attempts at websites were total failures before he launched the "1000 Awesome Things" blog, which of course was an insane success. He let those early failures go. If he'd held onto them, he wouldn't have moved on and created something new and helpful. So I keep going.

I'm still trying to give myself a break. To convince myself that it's okay to not cross off those To-Dos all the time. Because we're all still dealing with collective trauma/grief on so many fronts right now. 

One of my many self-help daily emails suggested this end-of-week check-in that I really liked. They suggest answering the following questions to check in with yourself and your week, and to take a breath before launching into the next: I feel, I need, I forgive, I celebrate, I trust, I release.

But really in the end, whatever it is, find your therapy and dive in!. And again (because it's worth repeating 1000 times) give yourself a break for not being/acting/feeling exactly as you think you should right now. It's a friggen pandemic, on multiple fronts. 💗

This is not the end of everything - it's the end of everything we knew