Too Fragmented to Function: Not Quite a Fresh Start September

September normally feels like a time of refocusing and new beginnings. Long sunny summer days make it more appealing to sit outside than to sit at a computer after work to move forward on those extracurricular goals. But when the chill hits the air and everyone is heading back to school, I'm normally in my prime to grab the reigns back. I had a plan. September was going to be epic for my goals.

And then, as it has so unpredictably over this last strange year, it all sort of fell apart. This time there wasn't really a trigger. Maybe just the pouring over my neglected to-do lists. But my brain sort of exploded. I was trying to think of what image could best describe the feeling that made me realize I had to make a change. The best thing I could come up with was that my brain was like a bag of microwave popcorn. Kernels of thoughts and decisions and goals and feelings and to-dos all sort of heated up under the increasing pressure of feeling like time was running out. 

And they all started popping at once, expanding to fill my already busy "all tabs open all the time" brain. It was one of those moments when you want to do everything and nothing. You start 10 things and finish none. You can’t remember what you’re doing or start lists that become a jumble. Binging a TV show and checking out with a pint of ice cream sounds like the only soothing balm.

Something's Gotta Give

The intensity of this feeling made me realize that I actually had to cut something out. Like "for reals" this time. You see, at the start of this crazy pandemic, I really subscribed to the whole "you're not meant to change the world during this period of extreme grief and uncertainty in the world." And I believed it, but I didn't actually remove anything from my list of goals. I just gave myself permission to not do all those little daily tasks that contribute to achieving them. So the goals stayed the same, while the to-dos piled up, and when I finally decided to focus in and start doing them, it was a herculean task.

I had just gotten back from a short vacation when this popcorn started popping, which makes sense as you give yourself permission within the boundaries of a short period of time to let go. Then you're thrust back into everything with missing time, and it's jarring. Our society is bad at this. We go from manic work-life to vacation mode with little in between to keep us sane. 

I also read a good little article on Surge Capacity. How we've all been in this state of overdrive with the pandemic for such a long period of time that basic tasks have become difficult. We no longer have this extra store of energy for small things as we've been dealing at this heightened level for so long now. Our glass is full and any new little drops threaten to spill over.

You Actually Can't Do "All the Things" at Once

I tried really hard to hold onto all the things. I employed all of the techniques like "do the next best thing" or "bird by bird". But it didn't work. The biggest thing that I was trying to complete was to write this secret blog that I'm insanely passionate about. The ideas for it sprout up about 20 times a day, and I think that if I really got into a rhythm of writing and building an audience, it would help/support a lot of people. It definitely helps me.

But I write it under a pen name and the only way for me to not freak out on days I'm writing the blog about all the things I'm not getting done on my book or other writing goals under my own name was to mark off different days of the week and take on the persona of the pseudonym. It helped with the panic, but also made me feel completely scattered. I mean we do this all the time: work personas, family personas, etc. But I was trying to exist in the mind of this fictional person and she was starting to get quite grandiose with her own goals. This fragmentation I think, while it made sense, just didn't work with the limited time I had left in my week. I literally tried to step into three different mindsets and that does something to your brain. 

So I've decided, with a lot of sadness and relief of sorts, that I need to let it go, for the time being. If inspiration strikes and I absolutely have to write something down for my own sanity, fine. But I'm not sticking to schedules, trying to build an Instagram following, or writing articles (I even had an article published under her name and I can't even talk about it!).

I wish I could have combined the ideas for this blog with my personal blog, but they are a bit too vulnerable. I always tiptoe around the real bits. The juicy bits. The bits that might actually help someone or build a connection. But I'm not there yet. 

Prune, Cocoon, and Restart

In any case. I'm trying to re-jig my other writing plans and shake things up a bit, as things haven't felt too flowy or successful as of late. Hopefully devoting all of my side-hustle time to my own writing and figuring out how to get the book out will help things to move along.

Despite taking this big thing off my list, there was still a lot of other heavy stuff this month and I didn't really jump on my remaining goals. I needed some time before I put myself back out for rejection. I'm also trying to simplify a few other things to make my day feel less hectic. Like maybe if I stop snacking on wine (lol) I won't have to work out as many times a day to balance. It's so funny how we create most of our own problems. 

So here are my September takeaways as I slide into a hopefully less frenetic, more focused, and fun fall (super helpful tips for all!): 

• Approach things Bird by Bird. One thing at a time is still the best way to get things done and not lose your mind.
• Perform "The Cut." For me, I unsubscribed from a bunch of mailing lists. I've stopped saving articles (my data collections rival that of a hoarder's magazine collection). I'm trying to focus on things that make sense, and that inspire joy. I don’t need to return the email right away. I can let that little red notification dot sit for a bit. Probably. 
• Let go of needing to do every last thing that inspires. I get inspired a lot to do things and write things. But if they aren't landing, I can abandon them. It might not need to be my job to get that idea out there. And I need to accept that letting go does not equal a "failure."
• Focus on what's "in scope" within the boundaries of goals set - everything else gets a placeholder. Put those blinders on.
• Stop fighting what is. "It is what it is" is one of the greatest statements ever. Once you "radically" accept that, you can figure out how to live with/in it. 
• Remind yourself that you can always start again...now...or now...or at any moment. 
• Set up the space for doing the thing you need to do. Even if it's just sitting in the chair where I'll write from, I know I can do that much. Initiate the activity. And often, something happens. Even if it's just the decision that today is not the day. 
• Have a "whatever you want day" once in a while. I almost never live a day without a to-do list. I had a friend (a very busy, type-A professional with lots to do) say that he schedules a day every month that is literally a "Free Day" and there can be no list. He just allows his mind and body to find what it needs for that day. 

Hopefully some of these help!

How has your September been? How are you keeping on track or giving yourself space?