Wordle Gets Me Out of Bed in the Morning
Everything is belated this year. I say I’m going to give myself some leeway on getting things done, and somehow months have flown by and I’ve done very little of anything but keep the lights on. Hence my first post of 2022 landing three months in. Better late than never...
Still Languishing, With a Shot of Anxiety
I used to buy notebooks on walks (before smartphones) to document the stories that were filling up my head and making it impossible to think straight. I would see something, and a sentence related to it would pop up, and form into a potential story. Always non-fiction. Sentences that I couldn't bear to lose as they seemed to come from some place of divine inspiration.
These days they've been replaced with not a lot of anything, certainly not a sentence that feels important or interesting enough to commit to the page. Inspiration hasn't returned. The words are missing in action.
I still feel like I'm in a state of languishing, but can no longer afford to be. The schedule of life is filling up with friends that want to get together and "return to work" plans being implemented. It's producing a lot of anxiety, and pushing me farther away from my former Type A persona, and more into the kind of person that wants to crawl into a hole, with a Comfy (the best sweater ever), Netflix and a frozen pizza (Dr. Oetker mozzarella pizza is waist-changing).
I've forgotten how to socialize. I don't fit into any of my work clothes. My brain can't focus for longer than five minutes it would seem. The only thing that has me leaping out of bed in the morning these days is Wordle, and that only accounts for a maximum 3 minutes of my day.
A Spark Feeds a Fire
I'm sure the words will return. As well as the general sparkle of life. Until then I'm trying to do things in the moment that make me feel a little brighter. Of course, some of them are vices like shopping or eating, so I'm starting to implement little habits that will add up to some less immediate but higher-yield happy things.
Like writing. Every single day I put off writing. But today I decided to go back to my old routine of writing in a cafe on Saturdays. And you know what, without the lure of the TV in the corner, surrounded by the energy of other people out and about, I feel a tiny spark of something return. It's small, but it's resulting in this blog and an attempt at doing the number one thing that writers instruct you to do when you've hit a patch of low inspiration, which is to keep writing. No matter what.
One day at a time right? Recognize and grab those moments of inspiration when they come, and do your best to cultivate more of those moments through things like good sleep, meditation, and exercise (I never feel bad after a class at Spinco and have decided it's something I need to invest in), eating well, and the plethora of other self-care things that give our brains and body the energy they need to produce the magic.
Landing Somewhere in Between
At the start of COVID, I kept thinking I missed all of the things I regularly did. Drinks with friends, concerts, and multiple days at the gym. But it's like I've aged 10 years in the past two years and I've realized that those things don't appeal to me in the same way they did before. I've settled down a bit and the thought of having to navigate a busy dance floor or long bathroom line makes even virtual dance parties seem desirable. COVID made me appreciate the less harried, simpler life.
But I miss the joy that these things used to bring, so while I don't want things to be the way they were, I'm hoping things land somewhere in between.
See the Beauty in Everyday Things
In January one of the things that kept me motivated was the 30-day yoga program with Adriene Mishler (you can do this for free at any time during the year). It was one of the only things I was able to stick to. Adriene really does make you feel like you are special and connected and okay just as you are. On one of the lists of her favourite things, she mentions a quote that she found on a rainbow decal that she places on a window wherever she travels:
I love this idea. When I'm feeling especially low, I look around and there is so much indescribable beauty to be found in so many little things. Even where I'm sitting in this cafe, there are sparkling bubbles in my water, the beautiful covers of popular songs piping through the speakers, and the buzz of people talking and living and loving. The number of things to be grateful for in this small moment, especially considering the state of the world right now, is staggering. To not be in a war zone or to not have been sidelined by a serious case of COVID, etc. is enough in and of itself to feel so incredibly grateful.
When I really need to get out of a funk, I play tourist in my own city and take myself for a day-long walk. I try to notice every tiny beautiful thing. The babies being held by new moms meeting up for a wine lunch to commiserate and share joy, the world of planes, birds and archways that exists above the eye-line of a phone. I stop everywhere that strikes my fancy, a glass of wine here, a macaron there, and I inevitably feel more alive and connected and full of inspiration at the end of my date with the city and myself.
A passion missing will return. That’s the ebb and flow of life. Start small. Start where you are. It doesn't need to be perfect.
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