Ready or Not (for Baby T): Thoughts From a Labouring Mind

If I were holding onto that door at the end of the Titanic movie, I would have done as Rose said, and never let go. 

I'm currently writing from the delivery room, the soft thump of a fetal monitor providing the soundtrack, back chilled from the epidural. A pretty perfect example of my inability to let things go, in this case, the last little blog I wanted to finish up before baby.

As we approach a big shift in our lives, I'm realizing that strategy isn't going to work for much longer. Reading through and cleaning up my old blogs this past week (another thing on the pre-baby list), so many had Letting Go as a theme. Letting go of expectations of myself and others, of what people think of me, of getting every last thing done, of holding on to small hurts and grudges. I think it's a constant struggle for us humans to let things go. To sacrifice. To embrace the whole idea of JOMO (the joy of missing out), instead of always feeling the FOMO  (fear of missing out, etc.)

I'm finally going to have to take some of my own advice. 

At Some Point, We Become Our Own Gurus

Two days of labour and a night at the hospital led to the need for an unplanned C-section. One of the most traumatizing experiences of my life that lead to the most intensely beautiful, welcoming little Ollie T. to the world. 

In my old blogs, I'd shared so many lessons learned and reading them was a wonderful reminder of the life truths I've gathered along the way. And I realized that you can read all the books and the blogs and take the courses (I took more than my fair share of prenatal classes), but at the end of the day, you get to a point of saturation. Where you know what you need to know and it forms the building blocks of your instinct. You become your own Guru. 

All of the lessons I've learned found a physical manifestation in the fertility/pregnancy/birthing process:

• Trust the universe - take the steps and let go of the outcome. Ollie started with a decision to start looking into my fertility 10 years ago, and ultimately freezing my eggs 6 years ago. So many little (in retrospect big) and unpredictable steps happened in between to get us here. 
• This too shall pass (each and every labour pain).
• Pain feels more intense when you are in a fear mindset. Let go of fear and hold on to trust.
• Women and the human body are both incredible. 
• Joy and pain can exist right next to each other: intense contractions are followed by the greatest relief and joy I've ever felt (and epidurals are the ultimate spa treatment).
• If you focus on the moment (each contraction) and avoid future tripping (the next million contractions), you can manage short-term pain. Just shake shake shake that booty (this is my go-to, in life and apparently in labour, it really worked).
• Being prepared for anything and having a choice in things can relieve future trauma (hello unplanned c-section).
• Going slow and focusing on the breath can avoid a lot of damage.
• It's never too late.

Just Breathe Already

One of the greatest lessons I've ever learned is to focus on the breath. Contractions can be managed (until the epidural at least) by focusing on the breath. Moments can be magnified by focusing on the breath. Life becomes less overwhelming when focusing on the breath. 

I feel like despite my best efforts, I've been holding my breath for the better part of the last year. Not wanting to get too excited. A bit detached to be honest because of the miscarriage. So I missed a lot of joy along the way during this pregnancy. People would ask if I was excited about the upcoming birth, but it was only in the last week that I started to let myself really feel the joy and excitement. But life is all about the highs and the lows, and you can’t suspend joy for fear the other shoe will drop. 

I mean I do, all the time. I protect myself. In this situation especially as the recent pain was so acute. But in life, for us to take any risks at all, we need to suspend disbelief. We write our books, even though the chance of publishing traditionally is low. We get pregnant and enjoy pregnancy even though we can't control the outcome. We risk loving something so much, knowing that it's all so transient. This rings true for pretty much everything in life. 

I'll Be Back

One of the things I really pride myself on in this life is being that friend who's available. Who comes to all the events, who answers the texts in a very timely fashion, and it takes a lot of time and energy which I already start to see dwindling. Obviously, I won't be able to be that person for the next little while and it's really stressing me out. 

This is of course all about me. No one really cares if I don't get back to them right away and it's a bit of a narcissistic view to think so. But I guess I'm saying this as a bit of a disclaimer to let myself off the hook, and to say to those who care that, I'll be back! 

Kicks 

I’m going to miss the kicks and squirms of Ollie safely residing inside of me, reminding me that he's here. It's still so surreal to have him in the outside world.

But for now, we did it. We took a leap that led to so much joy, and I will spend every minute with Oliver trying to stay in those moments. It is of course the only place where life really exists.

Postscript - The New Normal, That Changes Daily

One month with Ollie T. has passed in the blink of an eye.

What a magical, confusing, emotional, stressful and overwhelming time. At the breastfeeding clinic the other day (not gonna lie, breastfeeding has not been an easy road for me), the consultant kept referring to Ollie as an older baby and I thought, slow down lady, he's only 17 days old! 

Through a cloud of sleeping and feeding and bodily functions, I could watch him for hours. His cries break me in half. In one moment I feel both intense love and total exasperation with my lack of knowledge and fear of messing up this little human who is counting on me as a filter for his early views of the world. It just all feels so overwhelmingly accountable.

My "word" at the start of the new year, the thing to focus on, was Patience. And man am I getting a real-life lesson in that. I love being back in my body, but I really miss my bump and the kicks. How weird it is to watch little Oliver's home deflate slowly. I still find it hard to believe that he was once inside of me! 

I feel intense love for my partner but I'm also missing our one-on-one relationship. I love us as parents together. I'm overly emotional. My imposter syndrome is extreme. Add to that healing from major surgery and hormones telling you that you suck and it's quite the roller coaster. Women are amazing and the human body is pretty insane. Healthcare workers are such bloody heroes. Some negative Nancys pop up with random advice. But for every one there are so many people and experienced mothers who offer unsolicited support.

The unknowns. The total lack of control. Prioritizing. Taking help and asking for it. Being compassionate with myself. Doing the bare minimum some days. Clinging to mantras and reminders that this is normal and all will be okay. Letting go of doing the perfect thing and doing instead what's best at the moment. Crying. Swelling with joy. Pure exhaustion.

This is the new normal. 

One day at a time. One task at a time. One moment at a time. 

A regular reminder to breathe. To be mindful. To take this small world of us into my arms. As with everything else in life, I'm sure it will go by way too fast!