New Year, Fragmented Me

It's my new year blog, written on my own timeline. Let’s just say it’s a Chinese Near Year blog, as I gave myself till the end of January to get things sorted for the year. 

New Year’s day filled me with such depression. I felt overwhelmed with the things I want to do and the person I want to be in all areas of life. I didn’t do any of the things I normally do. I wanted nothing more than to lie in bed and watch something destructive like Dexter. How insane is our obsession with true crime and shows about serial killer vigilantes? There’s no way it increases our energy, mood or general outlook on life. But it’s addictively destructive, like a spoonful of sugar. 

I was mad at myself for not learning lessons from years past. The letting go. The need for streamlining and focus. The mindfulness. The one small step, blah blah. But I had to remind myself that life is a flow. The goal, for me at least, is to generally move in the direction of improving over large swaths of time, not perfection or total re-invention. Continual sculpting into the most real version of ourselves. Every minute, every hour, every day, every meal, every conversation, every moment is a chance to change something. To improve. Or maybe sometimes, to just get through the moments. 

Same Me, New View

So much of this year has been exhausting but joyful. It really is incredible witnessing the growth of a person, your child, in body and spirit. The transition from infant to toddler is pretty awesome. Seeing language come, comprehension increase, the relationship deepen. To view the world through their fresh, no-reading-glasses-required eyes. Witnessing their personality reveal itself and the funny little quirks that develop. It’s magical (and messy, and overwhelming, but truly amazing). I am so thankful for this experience every day, in a way that almost hurts and is balanced by the opposing force of fear and anxiety. 

Fragmented Reality

I’ve been on a bit of a writing hiatus this year. I planned a lot, edited loads, and thought about/worried about the next steps. But the writing itself has not found property in my brain or computer. Everything feels fragmented. My thoughts, my time, my relationships, this blog (ha!). For years I’ve embraced this concept of letting go, but I never really let go of much. I put everything on a list, and when the list gets too long, I store it in the “I’ll get to it someday file” and start a fresh, clean, doable list that quickly becomes equally long and overwhelming and a chore to update. And the cycle persists.

To that end, planning has become my ultimate form of procrastination. And with my moments of free time precious (and limited), it’s become unmanageable. “Write blog” has been on my weekly list for 52 weeks. And no actual blog has been produced. So my only goal today was to sit in a cafe and write something. Not update a list, or research how to publish my book or how to manage the world of ever-increasing toddler tantrums, but just write. Even if it sucks. Success will be in the focus. Armed with a mushroom latte (what is this life???) for focus and a café buzzing with the energy of other productive people, I’ve set the stage. Maybe this small step will remind my brain that it can do one thing without distraction.

How To Cope

The overwhelm of life right now is real. And it seems like everyone I know is feeling it. The never-ending lists, combined with dull, freezing weather, a constant cycle of sickness since some time in September, some age-related deterioration in both body and mind and a completely baffling, inhumane, and disheartening situation south of the border, are a toxic combination. I mean, who would have thought our closest neighbour and ally would suddenly threaten us with economic annexation, fear of conquest, and fear for the world's stability at large (we all knew it would be bad, but I didn't predict the extent of the madness). It's left me exhausted and apathetic. 

So I'm desperately clinging to the things I can to feel more grounded and happy:

• putting one foot in front of the other;
• focusing on the quality time I spend with Ollie;
• expending my energy on things that I can actually control;
• trying to get enough exercise and sleep;
• cutting things out where I can;
• spending more time in nature;
• focusing less on the people that don’t focus on me; and
• taking regular breaks from the news and the increasingly unsafe and destructively comparative force of social media.

Another thing I’ve done that became almost essential is cutting back on my alcohol intake by about 80%. I have no idea if this will stick, but a dry January made me realize that I hate feeling the lethargy, anxiety and fog that results after a night of drinking. Even one beer makes me feel like a less alive version of myself. Combined with the new research on the extent of alcohol’s links to cancer, it's become something that I want less of in my life. I always felt like alcohol created this warm and cozy globe, softening the chaotic bits of life and making everything sort of sparkle. But it also limits reality to a small orbit, and I want to experience things as they are. I want to see and feel beyond the globe. I just need my social circle to catch up.

Hot tips: 

A glass of magnesium, tart cherry juice and sparkling water before bed has the relaxing effect of a glass of wine without the negative impacts. 

A couple of hours at a steam/cold plunge joint, followed by a soothing tea in their lounge, is way more enjoyable (to me) than sitting in a bar sucking back a pint.

Four Funk Busters this Month

Things that I’m loving right now that bring me out of a funk:

1. The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. Pretty simple advice on focusing on what you can control in life, but the way Mel delivers everything is so practical and inspiring. 

2. Jay Shetty Podcasts. For a quick summary of the Let Them Theory, check out this episode on Jay Shetty's podcast, On Purpose, where he interviews Mel Robbins on the deets. I've become a bit obsessed with listening to this podcast in the mornings, as it truly is energizing, positive, and practical. Really sets the day off to a nice start.

3. My new Peleton adjacent bike - I miss spinning classes and am surprised by how motivated I've been to follow the workouts provided. People make fun of Peletoners, but I can see how it's totally addictive (and at a quarter of the price to buy my bike, it was a no brainer). I even bought a little disco-ball contraption to really re-create my spin-class vibe. 

4. Toddler life - 

No More "Procrastiplanner"

Along with all the other gradual improvements I hope to make this year, this is also the year I publish my book. More on this later, but this is my accountability check!

That's it for today. An hour, a piece of carrot cake, and a cup of tea later, I’ve done the small thing I set out to do today. It's definitely not perfect, but it feels like something in the right direction—the next right thing for me today.

A reminder to give yourself a break.

Until next time,

Carrie

May we remember to wake up and dance. Listen more. Linger longer. Make gratitude our aesthetic. Go hard on the problem and soft on the person. Pick up the phone. Get our hands dirty. Mail more letters. Buy the hat. Sing louder. Surrender to the surprises. Go slowly. Follow what makes you feel. Be amazed by it all. -Rebecca Wylie Simms