The People You Meet in the Trenches

I had just been through something that was terrifying, uncontrollable, and incredibly rare with my son when I met my ride-or-die mom friends. At that time, I had never in my life felt so alone navigating this unexpected twist. Ian and I both deal with trauma in different ways, so I had someone who was in the same dark hole as me, but who needed a different kind of rope to pull himself out. It was like in the blink of an eye, I went from the normal, sleep-deprived and love-drunk mom of a 4-month-old, to sitting on the other side of something I still can't comprehend and barely registering how life and my outlook could change so quickly. How I would now forever be in the after of the event. With a new lens for life, motherhood, and who I was as a person. I guess life is the moments, and every moment is an after of another moment, simple and sweet or heavy and complex, so we were really just experiencing life. But man alive, that was something. I'm still, two years later, not willing to commit that time to paper. It is still too raw, and I think I'm living in a braced state of PTSD in the aftermath. 

Babies and Beer (For the moms obviously) - Don't Judge it Till You Try It!

As things stabilized and I began to crawl out of the darkness that felt like a pool of black tar in the center of my chest, I went to a Suds and Bubs event (a weekly brewery and babies event for moms and infants to hang and breathe and socialize - it's as cute as it sounds) and met the women who would become anchors in this new world. My Mombies (you know, coz we were zombies with no sleep and also moms so...you get it). My new friend family. Who loved my kid as I loved theirs. It was in a brave moment that I inquired about a small group chat that a couple of them mentioned. They had almost left the event without adding me (I felt completely embarrassed by my initial inquiry), when thankfully one of the moms circled back and got my number. The rest is history: birthday parties, continuous text support, mom's nights out, camping trips, park dates, toddler proms, book clubs, circle times, early ons, babysitting, and the supreme comfort in knowing that they were all only a stroller walk away. 

Loving and Losing

I had a completely different blog on deck for writing today. I didn't intend to sit down and get all verbose and cryptic, but one of my mom friends is moving away, and I feel a small tear in my soul. Because these women, the closeness we developed as we moved through the trenches of motherhood and all of these unexpected and joyous and exhausting and beautiful twists and turns, are such a part of my world. Even though we don't see each other every day, or even every week, I feel their presence like a glowing, golden web of connectedness as I navigate my days. I feel so lucky to have met these women. The bond is a privilege to experience. And one of them moving far enough away that a long plane ride or multi-day drive is the only method of connecting in person breaks my heart. While I feel so much joy for the exciting new world she is stepping into, I'm scared about the hole she leaves behind and how it will affect all of our relationships. Our group is a perfect organism of love and support and a balance of very pronounced personalities, and all parts are essential to the whole. I mean let's be honest, no one can replace Samantha in And Just Like That, and no one can replace this mom in our lives. But such is life, and I feel so blessed to have a friend that I feel so sad to see leave my daily life. What's that cliched quote?

It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have never loved at all - Alfred, Lord Tennyson.  

Here's hoping our daily lives connect again at some point in a future perfect world of apparition capabilities and endless time. 

Show Me Your Dents

Now, as the fabulous Suleika Jaouad describes so beautifully in her book Between Two Kingdoms, while I try to forget, when I'm in my most vulnerable moments, I am sitting in that land between the before and after that came to exist back when I met these forever friends. Between the healthy and the sick. Between the dark and the light. I hope to be able to write about this someday. Not even for public consumption, but to process some of my own feelings around it. So far, any attempts at really examining the wound have led to more sadness than I can add to the mix right now. This, and the Carrie Jade story (another person I met in the depths of darkness (COVID) who broke my trust and hope in a brutal way). Writing heals, when you're ready for it. But I hold these dents so close to my heart. They form our stories. 

Ollie is obsessed with the Cars' movies right now, and the character Mater doesn't want to get rid of his dents. He says:

Mater: Oh, for a second there I thought you was trying to fix my dents.
Holley Shiftwell: Yes, I was.
Mater: Well then, no thank you. I don’t get them dents buffed, pulled, filled or painted by nobody. They’re way too valuble.
Holley Shiftwell: Your dents are valuble? Really?
Mater: I come by each one of ’em with my best friend Lightning McQueen. I don’t fix these. I wanna remember these dents forever.

Cheers to the dents (and the friends whose absence in your daily life makes a dent you feel every day). We love you Coco and Poppy and Alex!!!